What Goes Wrong with Mail-order
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Fewer than 3 in 100 GAS orders go screwy, are weird, or cock-up somehow. They are never forgotten and everything one Jonny Greene can do to correct them is done - even if it takes an age sometimes. No-one is ever wittingly left behind.
Please remember the 97 out of 100 orders that go smoothly and quickly - person to person. No faceless monolithic organizations, or bored record shop chains, or companies that don't believe in what they are doing anymore, just you - helping me - to help them, both directly and indirectly.
I do understand that it's still a complete bugger if your order is in the 3 percent of screwy ones.
And finally… Whatever it is, I am probably doing it.
However… The most common mistake, by a country mile, is putting in the wrong card expiry date.
If your order from GAS has not arrived you may be one of the following...
- Someone who has placed an order that hasn't arrived because:
- it's been lost/stolen in the post (a hearteningly very rare occurance)
- you provided the wrong name, street address, Town, Zip code or even country
- your order order was mis-addressed here
- your order has been held up by customs (the current record is 4 and a half months before it was returned to GAS - thanks Canadian customs! - who are the most jobsworth on the planet)
- Someone who has placed an order but has not received an automated e-mail response from the secure server - or my personal e-mail reply…
- due to 'spam' blocking software.
- Someone who has placed an order but I have failed to receive it because:
- computer crash at just the wrong time
- I have deleted it from the secure server before printing it out (not enough coffee in the morning)
- some glitch in the chain (Secure server, my server, my computer, my printer)
- Someone who has not responded to a request from me to provide the correct credit card details as something is wrong with the details they sent, such as:
- wrong card number
- no number
- card expired
- no card expiry date
- no card start date
- no funds available
- just scamming - I get the "Retain Card" message then, which is as bad as it gets.
- no address
- wrong address (I'm pretty good at Zip codes etc and sometimes spot a wrong 'un)
- no name
- nothing ordered just card details and address sent
- Someone who has sent a cheque that has bounced, but still expects their order.
- Someone who has said they will send a cheque when they receive their order.
- Someone who has said they will send cash when they receive their order.
- Someone who has said they will send cash:
- then doesn't, or forgets to, but still expects their order.
- and does send cash, but it goes missing in the post (always send cash by registered post).
- Someone who doesn't put their real name - expecting me to know, remember or guess who they are - and has a dodgy e-mail address which doesn't work or is 'full'.
- Someone places an order in their real name on one e-mail address then sends a query about it from a different e-mail address using their nickname - "Hey J, What's up with the stuff? Jazzman"
- Someone who has sent a specific request - "Don't send my order until all the CDs come in", and then has forgotten that that is what they asked for.
- Someone who thinks they have placed an order but in fact hasn't. (Odd I know - but it happens.)
- Someone who has tried to place an order from the phone in the secure wing of a mental hospital while also telling me that "I AM the guy in Trainspotting - I was tied to the tracks and and died when the ship hit the sun, and I'm also Brad Pitt, and little Nemo - all those guys at once - they shaved my head. Why won't they let me play my guitar to the trees? I'm going to review soon you know? When's Daevid coming back I need to speak to him because I AM Gong's bass player! He needs me. The music will come when they see it in the Sun..." - etc.
- And combinations of the above. All of which take time and energy to deal with.