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What Goes Wrong with Mail-order
Jonny Greene [an error occurred while processing this directive]

Fewer than 3 in 100 GAS orders go screwy, are weird, or cock-up somehow. They are never forgotten and everything one Jonny Greene can do to correct them is done - even if it takes an age sometimes. No-one is ever wittingly left behind.

Please remember the 97 out of 100 orders that go smoothly and quickly - person to person. No faceless monolithic organizations, or bored record shop chains, or companies that don't believe in what they are doing anymore, just you - helping me - to help them, both directly and indirectly.

I do understand that it's still a complete bugger if your order is in the 3 percent of screwy ones.

 

And finally… Whatever it is, I am probably doing it.

 

However… The most common mistake, by a country mile, is putting in the wrong card expiry date.

  If your order from GAS has not arrived you may be one of the following…
  1. Someone who has placed an order that hasn't arrived because:
    1. it's been lost/stolen in the post (a hearteningly very rare occurance)
    2. you provided the wrong name, street address, Town, Zip code or even country
    3. your order order was mis-addressed here
    4. your order has been held up by customs (the current record is 4 and a half months before it was returned to GAS - thanks Canadian customs! - who are the most jobsworth on the planet)

  2. Someone who has placed an order but has not received an automated e-mail response from the secure server - or my personal e-mail reply…
    1. due to 'spam' blocking software.

  3. Someone who has placed an order but I have failed to receive it because:
    1. computer crash at just the wrong time
    2. I have deleted it from the secure server before printing it out (not enough coffee in the morning)
    3. some glitch in the chain (Secure server, my server, my computer, my printer)

  4. Someone who has not responded to a request from me to provide the correct credit card details as something is wrong with the details they sent, such as:
    1. wrong card number
    2. no number
    3. card expired
    4. no card expiry date
    5. no card start date
    6. no funds available
    7. just scamming - I get the "Retain Card" message then, which is as bad as it gets.
    8. no address
    9. wrong address (I'm pretty good at Zip codes etc and sometimes spot a wrong 'un)
    10. no name
    11. nothing ordered just card details and address sent

  5. Someone who has sent a cheque that has bounced, but still expects their order.
  6. Someone who has said they will send a cheque when they receive their order.
  7. Someone who has said they will send cash when they receive their order.
  8. Someone who has said they will send cash:
    1. then doesn't, or forgets to, but still expects their order.
    2. and does send cash, but it goes missing in the post (always send cash by registered post).

  9. Someone who doesn't put their real name - expecting me to know, remember or guess who they are - and has a dodgy e-mail address which doesn't work or is 'full'.
  10. Someone places an order in their real name on one e-mail address then sends a query about it from a different e-mail address using their nickname - "Hey J, What's up with the stuff? Jazzman"
  11. Someone who has sent a specific request - "Don't send my order until all the CDs come in", and then has forgotten that that is what they asked for.
  12. Someone who thinks they have placed an order but in fact hasn't. (Odd I know - but it happens.)
  13. Someone who has tried to place an order from the phone in the secure wing of a mental hospital while also telling me that "I AM the guy in Trainspotting - I was tied to the tracks and and died when the ship hit the sun, and I'm also Brad Pitt, and little Nemo - all those guys at once - they shaved my head. Why won't they let me play my guitar to the trees? I'm going to review soon you know? When's Daevid coming back I need to speak to him because I AM Gong's bass player! He needs me. The music will come when they see it in the Sun…" - etc.
  14. And combinations of the above. All of which take time and energy to deal with.
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